Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The loss of one I never met
A month ago my husband and I found out we were pregnant. A few weeks ago, we lost it. I don't think I have felt so empty. The past few weeks have been a blurr. It seems like I am just going with the flow so as to not have to deal with the sadness I feel. I put a smile on my face every day but catch myself wanting to cry every time I see a baby. I am sad and have cried more in the past two months than I have in the past eight years I have been married. I can't believe I can miss some one so much and I never even laid eyes on them. Even though I was only pregnant for a few weeks, I still feel like a piece of me is gone. I wonder what he or she would have looked like or what their first words would have been. And I know that God never puts us through more than we can bear, but I wonder if he is pushing me to the limit to test me. I have not once blamed God for anything that has happened. I love God and know that he is watching over me and this only occurred because it was his plan for me. Perhaps this will make me stronger. I hope so. As for my husband, he hides his emotions well. I have not seen him cry since finding out but know that he is hurting. He was so excited. I hardly see him now-a-days because he works such long hours, but I know when we are together that he still feels pain over the loss of the baby too. He is a strong man and I know that he maintains his bearing so that he can be a pillar for me to hold onto. And I love him for that. He is my support and I don't think I could have done this without him. I know that we will move on and have children one day. And I will be happy and we will both be the best parents we can be. But I also know that I will always think of the baby that I never got to meet here on earth but will one day meet in Heaven.
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2 comments:
Sweetie I wish I was there to give you a BIG hug! I know this sounds ridiculous but I know how you feel. I got pregnant after Charlie's first deployment...it wasn't until they did the 11 week ultrasound that we found out I had lost it. I remember crying for WEEKS!!! This is so normal all the feelings you are having. I thought it was silly mourning something that wasn't even there...that I didn't know. But I loved it all the same. You have to mourn, not just the baby but the loss of your anticipation or your hopes and dreams for this child. But know, that when the time is right God is going to send you the most PERFECT baby there is...and Girl, you are going to be one great mommy!!! I love you and miss you so much.
Dear Mirand I just want to let you know that I do know what you are going through I know it is hard every day . I will tell you that you will thank about the baby alote you will wounder if it was a girl or boy you will say to yourself as the yrs go back he are she would have been this age this yr You will never forget. See my little girl would have been 27 this yr her name would have be CaSandra I thank about her alote I wounder what type of person she would have been would she have been a tom boy like I wanted her to be are would she be all girly like steve would have wanted her to be would she have blond hair like I did are would she have hair like steve.. would she be into sports or dolls . I would have wanted her to tuff a tom boy took care of self never to depend on anyone no man at all I wonder if we would have been close. I lost her because of a fight steve and i got into over his drinking and running around on me We where seperated and I was staying with mom at the time it happen Steve lived in Taylor Tx. . I dont blame steve I just thank that maybe God saw we wernt ready to be parents at that time in our lives we where just married and so young after I lost her I told Steve all about her and he told his mom and that was it she was never spoken of again I thought he had forgotten about it until 8 yrs ago when I work at the Hamburger hutt Lori came in and she told me she didnt know Steve and I had lost a baby I was shocked he had told her I told her yes and it was a girl and that is all that was said about it until I guess just out of the blue Stevie ask me about her I didnt even know he knew about it I didnt know any of the boys knew about It I still dont know how they found out about it or who told them. He wanted to know how old she would have been. I told him she would have been 27 this year and Her name would have been CaSandra and she would have been a tuff girl It has never been brought up again sents. My mom and sisters never talk about it at all. I know why my mom didnt bring it up are so any thank you know my mom lost her oldest son his name was Ronnie he was 3 months old he was born with a liver probblem so she knew how I felt and I gues that is why she never brought it up cause of her lost he would have been 48 or 49 this past Nov. and ever yr mom still puts a cake decoration on the Callender in her kitchen for him so we never forget but I will say it does get easer as the time goes by and you have other kids but you will never forget and that can be a good thang it makes us glade for the ones we have a baby lost is the worst lost in every womans life.... Well if you need somone to talk to about this Im here for you I thank that one day you and Stevie will be great parents and than you can fight over how the child is raised and where and all that good stuff you have ahead of you in your lives As they say God knows what is best for all of us and I try to look at it this way he took away one and I got 3 that have kept my life full and very alive never a bourring mint. as you know Your turn will come when God is ready. I love you You are just the best daughter in law any one could ever want I dont thank I will ever have one as good as you You take care slap my son for me and you know Im here for you girly girl. love Sandra
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