He's finally here!!!

Well, I haven't written in a long while. It seems like every free moment of time I have is spent working, studying or cleaning. Not to mention that August seems to be the month my entire family was born. So there were a lot of parties to go to. I mainly wanted to write to tell everyone that my best friend of over 13 years, Cassie, finally had her baby. His name is Kanon Ryker Blanco and he came into this world at 7:13 am at 7Lbs 15 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. For those of you have been reading my blogs, you know that my husband and I suffered the loss of our baby a few months ago, so this was a bitter sweet day for me. I am so happy for Cassie but sad for me to a point. I feel kind of selfish because I am feeling this way but I know that I am truly happy for Cassie and Mark. I am going to visit them this weekend and hopefully not cry. If I do, I know that Cassie will understand why I am. I know that me and Stevie will have a beautiful baby or more some day and it will make me the happiest person in the world. But until then, I will be happy for those I love because I know they would do the same for me.

Until next time............................

Why do I do this to myself.........

I often wonder what led me to marry a man I knew would be consumed by spending time with another. There are many nights I have slept alone or stayed up til all hours of the night waiting for him to get home. No. He is not seeing another woman or staying out drinking. My husband, Stevie, is one of the Few, the Proud, a MARINE. And although I am proud of him every day of my life, I always wonder if there could be more if we could just leave the Marine Corps behind. See today is Stevie's 7 year mark in the Marine Corps and I am home alone waiting for him to get back from taking a poolee (that's a guy/girl who is going to join the Marines) to Rotan, which just happens to be an hour and some change away. It may sound stupid, but I am often jealous of the Marine Corps simply for the fact that they spend more time with my husband than I do. Heck, now-a-days I am lucky to see him 2 or 3 hours a day. He rarely gets home before 10 and when he does, he gets phone calls from people from work. It's irritating to feel like the "other woman" in your own marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do love the Marine Corps way of life in some aspects. I mean who wouldn't love free medical, guaranteed pay and free housing, but there is so much more to being happy in a marriage. I know that this is just a rant for me because I am upset that once again I get a call at 9:30 pm saying he won't be home until about midnight, AFTER I have cooked a delicious meal that I inevitably burned myself making. But after all of this ranting, I will do it again, night after night just for the simple fact that I love my husband and would do anything for him, including waiting up for him til all hours of the night. Oh the irony of love.......

One Day at a Time

Well, it's been a few days since I wrote something so I figured that today would be a good day. My last post was one of sadness but hope. This weekend I attended my best friend Cassie's baby shower. When I got the invitation I was apprehensive about going because of everything that has been going on in the last month or so. I finally just decided to go. I couldn't miss my best friends first baby shower. We've been friends for 13 years and I didn't want to let her down. When the morning of the shower came, my mom asked how I was doing and I was actually ok. It was the drive there that got me. I talked to my mom like nothing was wrong, but secretly I dreaded seeing her. Her pregnant belly would be the first thing I saw and I knew that I would be saddened by it. But when I got there and saw her for the first time in months, I couldn't help but see how beautiful she was, let alone the happiest I ever saw her. She was glowing. I was so happy for her that the pain of our loss seemed to subside. It was kind of a type of therapy for me to see her open her presents and eat cake and sandwiches with no worry in the world. God coaxed me to go so that I could come to terms with what happened. And he used my dearest friend to help me.

The loss of one I never met

A month ago my husband and I found out we were pregnant. A few weeks ago, we lost it. I don't think I have felt so empty. The past few weeks have been a blurr. It seems like I am just going with the flow so as to not have to deal with the sadness I feel. I put a smile on my face every day but catch myself wanting to cry every time I see a baby. I am sad and have cried more in the past two months than I have in the past eight years I have been married. I can't believe I can miss some one so much and I never even laid eyes on them. Even though I was only pregnant for a few weeks, I still feel like a piece of me is gone. I wonder what he or she would have looked like or what their first words would have been. And I know that God never puts us through more than we can bear, but I wonder if he is pushing me to the limit to test me. I have not once blamed God for anything that has happened. I love God and know that he is watching over me and this only occurred because it was his plan for me. Perhaps this will make me stronger. I hope so. As for my husband, he hides his emotions well. I have not seen him cry since finding out but know that he is hurting. He was so excited. I hardly see him now-a-days because he works such long hours, but I know when we are together that he still feels pain over the loss of the baby too. He is a strong man and I know that he maintains his bearing so that he can be a pillar for me to hold onto. And I love him for that. He is my support and I don't think I could have done this without him. I know that we will move on and have children one day. And I will be happy and we will both be the best parents we can be. But I also know that I will always think of the baby that I never got to meet here on earth but will one day meet in Heaven.

First time for everything

Well, this is my first blog and I am super excited. My friend Krista suggested I should start one and it took me a while but here I am. I never much thought about writing a blog because I don't really think that my life is so interesting that people would take time out of there day to read about it. But I am going to give it a try and I hope that I at least keep the interest, if only for a minute, and possibly cause a laugh or two. So thanks and happy reading!!!

Miranda